Courage to Serve

Why does it take courage to serve? Ever since I have returned to Rwanda from the States, my mind has been crowded with too many thoughts on poverty, despair, excessive wealth, enjoying life, and generosity. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around what our world is facing and how us global citizens are called to respond. But I don’t have the courage to do what needs to be done. Perhaps I’ll take a few steps backwards to get to what must be done.

I am in Rwanda, “doing good works.” I come to the Prison Fellowship office every day and help PFR strategize to increase and improve their programming and their organizational capacity to serve more people. Yet when the women with HIV/AIDS come to our office to make crafts, I shy away from relationships with them. Not knowing Kinyarwanda, I can’t make it past greetings and general conversations about how everyone’s families are doing. When the Street Kids come, I play with the young ones, but back away from the older kids – the ones who struggle with drugs, sex abuse, and ones forced to step in as a mother at a young age due to ineffective parents to the young ones. Why do I back away and maintain my excuse that I am still serving sitting behind this desk writing proposals? Part of it is the ever-obvious awkward language barrier. But that can be overcome.

I think what I am coming to realize is that if I get really close to these folks, I will start to feel very, very uncomfortable. The more I become friends with the street kids, the more they notice things. Like my snazzy Klean Kanteen water bottle, or my fancy digital camera, my sunglasses, my in tact shoes…. Items that are just a natural part of me – these are items I take everywhere with me. But the kids can’t stop touching them and asking questions like how much it costs… And why does that question make me feel so uncomfortable? It is because when I tell them my water bottle costs $20 USD (10,000 rwandan francs) , I can see the math wheels in their head turning, as they realize that $20 USD could feed their families remarkably well for over a week, and even their neighbors, when they are forced to come to PFR to get their only full hot meal in a week.

Here is when I get loving and well-intentioned advice from my friends (and it is the same advice I give my friends too when they start to think like this): That it’s not good to think like that, because it will just drive me crazy and I simply can’t be walking around feeling guilty every time I see a poor person…. There are just too many of them…

But can’t I?

In the Bible, Jesus’ greatest commandment to us was this, “Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

It’s funny how we can compartmentalize these commandments. I have found myself trying to heed this commandment as I walk down the street, having an internal struggle over why I haven’t been loving my parents properly, or how I ought to be treating my friends… all the while ignoring the person in the shivering cold outside of the subway station as I’m heading to a feast at an unbelievable restaurant with my friends.

“ I just have to simply love those around me!” I tell myself breathing a sigh of relief, trying to sort out my relationships – I’ve just gotta be nice to my friends and family and everything will fall into place. But I have created a force field around me… And those “Around me” become my friends and family and the population that I choose to serve.

Who is our neighbor?

Simply put … it’s everyone. And if we are supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves… Then let us consider the simple reversal image. Imagine you were in a position where everyone you loved abandoned you. You lost your job. No one wants to take you in. You’re hungry, cold, and in constant danger because you have to sleep on the street. You simply crave some love: Someone to take you in, give you a hot shower and a good meal, and help you get back on your feet. But everyone ignores you. You just want to be treated with some dignity by those who are able.

It is always astonishing to me the amount of people working for non-profit organizations in Rwanda and also in the States. We work tirelessly from 9 – 5 working against the plight of poverty. And then we go back to our houses with extra guest rooms and kick back and relax in front of the t.v.

What if every single person (this number is in the millions) working for a non-profit organization fighting poverty in some way or the other decided to fill their guest rooms with a person without a house? Just one extra person in every house? I think this would make a greater impact to eradicate poverty than all the millions of different non-profit organizations out there.

But of course. This takes a lot of courage. A lot of courage to sacrifice some comfort of coming home, turning on the t.v. and getting in our pajamas, to inviting a desperate stranger to come and be part of this family. And actually diving into the messy lives of these people.

For me, I am finally at a place where I actually want to share a lot of my things with those around me. But I’m afraid. I’m walking by tons of street kids at the grocery store near my house and I don’t give them food because I’m afraid I’ll be constantly swarmed every day by countless people, asking for things that I can’t give them. I’m actually afraid I’ll be judged by the Rwandans who just look at me as “that rich American…”

But guess what? I AM that rich American. And I can’t hold on to my wealth anymore. And who cares if I get swarmed every day? Do I actually think Jesus doesn’t care if I decide not to feed the hungry with my extra cash that I have?

But the thing is this. If we love God with all our heart and all our soul and with all our mind and strength… then we will understand His unfailing love for us. THEN we will start to stop putting up barriers between us and the poor and THEN we will actually love every poor person we see (and every rich person who needs it too) and our hearts will break for their desperation and we will have no other choice but to give them what we have.

But it takes courage. And I don’t have that yet!!! But I think it will get there soon enough.

“The bread which you do not use is the bread of the hungry;
the garment hanging in your wardrobe is the garment of him who is naked;
the shoes that you do not wear are the shoes of the one who is barefoot;
the money that you keep locked away is the money of the poor;
the acts of charity that you do not perform are so many injustices that you commit.”

St. Basil the Great

I think I am going to use this blog to hash out my completely confused thoughts on this matter… Bear with me!

P.S. Also encouraged that in July I will be marrying a man who has always encouraged me to think about what we need as opposed to what we want. I'm so blessed!