Today is a tired day. I'm trying to catch up on my gobs and gobs of e-mails that I have neglected for too many weeks (and am now neglecting my work, ahhh). I was just e-mailing a dear friend of mine from college that I've developed a love/hate relationship with my computer. Love because I love to stay updated with my friends, check out their life on facebook, e-mail them, and update my blog. Also, writing blogs and e-mails serves as a good reflector on my life... and, I love to hear about all my friends lives too! But, the glow of the computer screen for multiple hours in a day just can't be good for the soul mind and body. For real, it is a tangible barrier between myself and my friend sitting across from me at the table.
Today I am wondering if I will be as productive as I plan to be. Work ethic is an interesting thing that I've been thinking about lately. It is easy to allow myself to feel as though the entire world is crashing down around me when I have too much work to do, everything is going wrong (ahem, as in one person trying to do a team-effort kind of job), and I feel like nothing productive is happening. All of a sudden, life becomes about me. My work. My performance. My results. And here comes the "selfish demon" invading my brain, heart, and affecting my body (as in, my heartrate increases three times its normal amount). My silly insignificant self actually thinks that little old me has the power to save an entire organization on my own strength, without calling upon the promised strength of God, or without realizing that I'M ONLY 22 AND STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN!
So, I managed to achieve what I like to call "spiritual detachment." This is when I realize that everything on this earth is just like a passing wind and if I'm late on this e-mail or someone in my office makes a mistake, I can just say, "oh well, do better tomorrow" and still have a light heart. It's a great feeling. I can close my computer at 5 p.m. and say, "I'm going to read all night long and not stress about the work I have to do tomorrow, because tomorrow can wait."
But then a sneaky fault grew out of this "achievement." Laziness. What? How did this happen?! Me, lazy? YES. Me, lazy. Uh oh. Because I wasn't truly "uniting" my work with God, I was using it as an excuse to not stress myself out! (for those who know me, I'm an easily excitable person, and can get stressed at a moments notice). No work = no stress... Pretty easy solutation for me. "Thanks God." Uh oh. Not really.
Well, now I am realizing that my work is a spiritual duty in my life. So, I've gotta work hard. It's my current given duty. But, how in the world can I work hard and not be a stressed out maniac? Because stress is NOT a spiritual fruit, that is fo sho. How can I work hard during the day but close my computer at night and be at peace? You see, in America (or in NYC at least) I was taught that stress is the unwanted but unavoidable companion to hard work. To shed this mindset is difficult, very difficult indeed.
But, it's not about finding the "balance," which is the common recommendation from the world. This word is the famous word of everyone trying to find "inner peace" by including enough yoga classes in their lives, green tea drinks on a daily basis, and a proper work/play ratio. It's about walking with God. If I walk with God throughout the day, actually walking with Him - then it happens.... I work hard, I enjoy my work, I don't get all fussy when things go wrong, and then at night, I can close my computer with a sigh that I gave my all into my work (because it was HIM and not me at all!) and allowed it to belong to God.
I think this has happened once or twice in my entire life. BUT I know the experience well enough to know this is a true occurrence that is meant for me to experience, and it's enough that I'm going to pursue it every day.
All my Rwandan friends are pretty dang bold about confessing and expressing their faith. I hold back - not wanting to offend people or make them uncomfortable. No longer, my friends (well, I say this now...). I'm just gonna try to be me. And me is a child of God and everything good comes from Him. Well, that was a random interjection, but it passed through my brain, so I might as well write it here.
Again, no order to my blogging stream of consciousness style of writing. I really need to try to improve this. Whoopsies.
Lesson learned.... I can't let snafoos stress me out, because I will ALWAYS be working in suboptimal conditions (my co-worker told me that valuable piece of advice), and I will always be diverted from my intended task due to unexpected responsibilities... which means FLEXIBILITY and a LIGHT HEART are keys to job happiness. see below: NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION but life is still pretty good: scroll...
Peace out friends. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's probably because I'm wiping some child's pee off of my leg.
Love,
Rachel
yeah, i think i am constantly trying to learn this lesson better. as a teacher, it is so easy for me to think that i can save all of these kids and make them amazing students just on my own ability, and then get really lazy and demoralized when it doesn't happen that way. instead i have to remind myself that anything good comes from God, and yeah, dude, WE ARE 22. i think coming from nyc we are not only prone to stressing ourselves out but also to thinking that we are as productive/experienced/good as any other 40+ year old professional who has been doing it for years.
RépondreSupprimeranyhooo..... basically, i feel you.
love you!!! thanks for the post. it was a good reminder to be wary of either extreme: laziness or pride.
xoxoxo