Good-bye #2 and #3 and #4

The past few days have been amazing!

Just when I could barely handle the sluggish days creeping down to the home and the wedding, God gave me refreshment through some lovin' of my dear housemates and friends.

2) Yesterday I started the day a little crabby for no apparent reason other than I was tired and woke up with no time to pray. Hmf. Well, I got to the favorite African buffet in town to meet the staff for a farewell lunch, and just when I was stewing myself in a little self pity, they showed up and showered myself, Kate, and Claudine with beautiful words of encouragement fun and laughter. When I first arrived here in Rwanda, As We Forgive Rwanda Initiative consisted of Myself, Andrea, and our Rwandan brother, Benjamin. Now we have: Andrea, Kate, Christine (all housemates too!), and Benjamin, Aimable, and Claudine (the Rwandese team). But, the team is about to shrink again since myself and Kate are leaving Rwanda and our other co-worker, Claudine, is leaving as well to finish her studies.

Yesterday was a day where I was also being quite overly-critical of myself. But Benjamin, who I actually used to "counsel" in the early days, is pretty much running the show of AWFRI and has made a complete 180 turn into one of the most confident leaders I have seen! I have never heard such beautiful speeches about myself, Kate, and Claudine from him and in the midst of his difficult language barrier it was some of the kindest words I have ever heard. Same with Aimable and Andrea in their farewell speeches. They have observed gifts in myself that nobody has ever noticed before or voiced or even that I was aware of. Needless to say, I have never been so humbled in my life, so loved, so valued, and appreciated. It was a way that God Himself came to close me in His arms and tell me that even while I'm still a sinner, I also have gifts to offer the world that He gave me. If you know me at all, you'll know I was a weepy mess of tears (well, actually all 7 of us at the table were crying I was not the only one! It was so blessed and unexpected. Hands down one of my best days in Rwanda).

3) That very night Kate and I (my wonderful housemate and close friend are doing all of our good-byes together) had my Bible Study over to our house for some farewell cake and pizza. It was a wonderful time and they read Joshua 1 for us "Be strong and of good courage; for you shall cause this people to inherit the land which I swore to their fathers to give them Only be strong and very courageous, being careful to do very courageous, being careful to do according to all the law which Moses commanded you." After we all shared what we learned from each other, and then they prayed over us sending us away from Rwanda. See below for a photo of our Bible study group (Uh there are like 5 Rwandans missing from this shot, because of the house change to visit our house instead of the pastors they didn't want to come and make the trek)!!

Top Left: Lisette (Pastor's wife from Netherlands), Aba (Ghana), Kate and Andrea (housemates), Pastor Aadrian (Netherlands), Norbert (Germany).
Bottom Left over: Sheila (Rwanda), me, Mary (UK), and Sophia and Alan (Singapore/Malaysia)

We talked a lot about how Rwanda is lonelier than people think due to the nature of the very wounded country and lack of trust Rwandans have towards Westerners in general because the horrific past of how the Western countries helped the genocide happen. So this cell group has been the most surprising and hugest blessing in creating a family atmosphere.

4) Today was another good-bye lunch at my co-workers home Guma from Prison Fellowship. I was able to finally meet his beautiful wife, and visit with his family and also my good friend Faustin who barely speaks a word of English but I am teaching him! He was also able to come for lunch too. We had tons of laughter and looked through a looottt of photos.

Here is Guma with his wife and myself!

5) And here's an awesome shot of our sunset tonight. Thought you may want to see.

Things that make me happy today

1) Office is quiet. Can fight writer's block (by.... blogging? heh) and work on the newsletter

2) Reminiscing on a sweet conversation with Pastor Deo when helping him create his facebook account. It went something like this:

Me: So, Pastor Deo, you need to write about your interests and activities. What are the things you like to do the most?

Pastor: Praying. I love to pray... And I love to love people. I love to pray for people who need help and I love to help the poor mothers and children and people in prison. I love to read the Bible and pray.

Big Smiley Face :)

3) Have a fun week of good-byes with good friends ahead of me: Bishop John, Bible study going away party on Wednesday at my house, good-bye lunch at Guma my co-workers house, good-bye dinner with Claire's first Chinese restaurant experience, good-bye brunch at my favorite restaurant... and a big party coming up on Saturday evening.

4) In one week I'll be preparing to get on a plane to head home! YAY! Thoughts drift to sushi, mexican food, exercising, being able to walk around in shorts and tank tops, bath tubs, a comfortable bed, a shower with real water pressure, variety of toothpaste to choose from, healthy food, a personal ban on potatoes and pasta and rice. Lots of hummus and smoothies and tabouleh too.

5) Yesterday was a rough day. Lots of things happened out of my control and I was not a happy camper (um... I like... control. ouch, it hurts to admit it). Then, when my house was quiet and i was all alone at 6 p.m. (its dark at 6) the electricity went out. I sat on our porch, and since the electricity was out all over my neighborhood, the stars were incredibly bright. I lit a bunch of candles, brought my couch on the porch, and had a pretty wonderful conversation with God for about an hour. Talk about refreshment. God was like, "chill out. I've got things under control" (nutshell quotations).

6) Realizing that I am WAY more excited about the wedding than stressed. YES. Obviously, how it should be, but unfortunately it is not always the case with american brides. I think I'm saved by not being in the States for wedding planning (not sure if my mother would say the same...)

7) I was a little snippy with pfr co-workers the other day - a by product of ignoring my prayer time and therefore being selfish- and today in morning prayer - with complete grace and mercy, they all showered me with hugs, love, and prayed over me this morning.

8) I have TWO awesome volunteers taking over after I am gone at PFR. one is a short-termer for two months coming june-july and another is coming for minimum of 6 months in September. Needless to say, I am completely FREE because the pressure I've been putting on myself in terms of "the impact I will make" is gone. Now there are two highly capable young women continuing the work of empowering and equipping the staff.

9) De-clunking and de-junking my life. I am pretty much giving away all of my clothes to the street kids. It was amazing - at the basketball camp on Sunday, probably about 15 of the kids were wearing my sorority shirts, camp shirts, and such. It's awesome and made me realize how much i can do without in terms of the clothes I THINK I NEED (need! bah. want is a totally different ball game) - I love that I have a place to give my clothes and they are cherished (albeit way too big on these kids!). Plus... selfishly. it feels good to de-clutter. i love to de-clutter.

Yeah!

Love,

Rach

Blog Voice, where are you?

Bah! I've been desperately trying to write a poignant, super deep and thoughtful reflection on my prison experiences so you all could have your jaws dropped. Nope, can't do it, it's not happening and my writer's block it seems.... will NEVER LEAVE ME ALONE! Which is rather unfortunate, because while it's not a big deal that I can't express my reflections on Rwanda prisons on my personal blog, I have a "reflection article" to write about them for the PFR newsletter and I need to be finished with it TOMORROW! Please, writer's block, go away.

I don't know when the reflection about the prison is going to come on this blog, however. Basically the experience of the prison drew out of me a pride at what Prison Fellowship International is doing all over the world. Prisoners are so unbelievably neglected... People don't want to think about them anymore, people who are wounded by them are thankful they are tucked away, out of sight and out of mind... a natural reaction of course. But how unbelievable is it that there is a worldwide movement that is trying to reach the most forgotten, those believed to be hopeless, the destitute and most disrespected people in society? Pretty awesome.

However, this is me and Jean De Dieu (he changed his name to Jean of God). He is the guard at Prison Fellowship and a genocide offender. He killed many, many, many people during the 1994 genocide and spent many years in prison. His poor heart was hardened by these treacherous crimes he committed and he wasted away in prison for a long, long time until Pastor Deo came to the prisons to preach about the freedom in repenting of one's sins. His heart unfolded and Jean De Dieu came to know God and completely repented of his crimes. He never tries to justify, always points to God's grace. He is the loudest singer and clapper during our staff praise and worship. Every day when I see him, the first words out of his mouth are "Mwaramutse Rachel! Murakoze Imana" (Morning Rachel! Praise God!). He was excited to take a photo with me b/c we have matching colored shirts :) I will miss this lovely man.

On another note....... Yesterday was the final basketball camp for the street kids. Good lord. What a DAY. Kate rented a bus (street kids never been on a bus before, can you imagine the chaos of 85 untrained completely crazy kids trying to cram on a bus? imagine lots of tears and nobody caring)

Well... the older kids certainly enjoyed the use of the Kigali Stadium, but look at the kids that I was blessed to be in charge of... Oof.

If they look confused, it's because THEY WERE! It took me all of 20 minutes to get these kids in a straight line. I was about to do um.... dribbling and passing exercises with these miniature monkeys. Bahaha. Confusion persists. For four hours. Until they are finally freed and allowed to go back to the office to eat (which is pretty much why these little tots came anyway!).

Oh man. Still...amidst the pure chaos. It was a joy and a blessing. And ... may I add. I was COVERED in urine. NOT my own. But many of the children who didn't know how to ask for a toilet, so they peed themselves. Brilliant. And then they all came to sit on my lap, shoulders, play with my hair... coming to me crying because someone spilled water on them. Yup, just called me Dirt Bag, as such my nickname inherited from this camp.

When did I become a little kids manager? I was always the counselor for the big kids at camp!

Well, God uses me in different ways. Another way to purify me and test me and challenge me to be kind, loving, gentle and compassionate when I do not always want to be!

Ho hum.

Love everyone.

Rachel

Rwandan Prison

Went to my first visit to a Rwandan prison on Friday. I am pretty tuckered out but I wanted to zap some musings and memories on here before they faded away. I imagine I will revisit this experience some other time... especially because I think I will visit another prison next week and will double-culminate my thoughts.

First of all - wow. I was completely blown away from the moment I entered with the unbelievable ministry of Prison Fellowship International. In about 118 countries, there are PF ministries all over the world, ministering to the most rejected and neglected members of society, when they are the ones that most need rehabilitation. The idea that prisons reproduce productive members of society is crap -- but it's so important... You want safer communities? You better realize that prisons are the place to start because most prisoners are re-released into society and most offenders always repeat crimes. Prisons must be rehabilitative and while most prisons all over the world are in frighteningly bad conditions, there are still people to care enough to try to bring glimmers of hope to the hopeless... and many of these people come through Prison Fellowship.

I accompanied a PF volunteer who was going to speak to the prisoners. Hands down must say that the most hope I have ever seen in Rwanda was in the prisons. About 1000 prisoners were crowded around the podium where we were .... all singing gospel songs, listening to sermons... and also the prison director was a Christian and was so committed to encouraging the inmates. Over and over and over again would he say to myself and the other Prison Fellowship folks "this is my calling, this is one of the most important ministries" with such pride.

Then we saw the mothers with children. There were about 12 babies and toddlers who have grown up in prison. They had never seen a white person before because they spent their whole innocent lives in prison walls. They positively shrieked when they saw me. ALso, we brought the babies some yoghurts. In Rwanda, all kids LOVE yogurt.. I mean it's the #1 treat sweet food of all time. But these kids have never seen, tasted, looked at a yogurt in their whole lives...because their whole lives were spent in prison. Their mothers were chuckling at serving their kids yogurts.

Walking away from the prison was painful, because I wanted to stay with the mothers, I wanted to hold the children and feed the children, and I wanted to continue to encourage the male prisoners (most of whom are genocide perpetrators). But as I walked away, I felt a pat on my back from God telling me it was okay. He had His hand guiding the Prison Fellowship Rwanda staff. In fact, all the mothers were asking "Where is Pastor Deo?" And the prison director explained, "everyone just adores Pastor Deo... He brings life to them and love."

That's when I realized this isn't about me. God uses me wherever He wants to, if its for some months or even just an hour but I don't have to be afraid of walking away from a situation. I trust that if God needs me to obey in a specific act of service He will tell me, and if He doesn't need me to act in that way then He finds a way of letting me know He's got His other servants doin' a pretty good job already. He's in control. Not me. But it's become clear the more I ponder on the plight of the poor... the more I'm receiving clear directions from God. He tells me "feed this person," "take this child to the hospital," or ... just, "pray for this person." And it's okay if sometimes all I'm meant to do is pray. Prayer is powerful. I have to trust that too.

Slight musings.

I love you all, friends and family!

Kenya

WARNING: LONG BLOG POST AHEAD!

I am so grateful for the opportunity I had to go visit Kenya this past week. As many of you know, in 2006 I spent three months living in a Maasai village called Kimana allll the way in the bush by Mt. Kilimanjaro - teaching at a local school and working at a local health clinic. After that summer, I worked with my supporting organization Staff of Hope to fundraise for a new secondary school - it was built within four months and it is called Oloile. I went back in 2007 for two weeks and have not been back since.

A few months ago, I received an e-mail from my Vanderbilt freshman year roommate Virginia Melo (see below photo at Tyson and Mama Nasieku's house) saying that she was working at an Episcopal church in Houston St. John the Divine in a youth fellowship program (with five other young folks our age) with a Pastor called Doug Richnow and the group was going to Kimana to do a workshop at Oloile called Sex, God, and Me!!

Roomie Virginia hanging out with me at Mama Nasieku and Tyson's home! Her first experience of my favorite Kenyan food was here - Chapatti and Skumaweki (can't spell!)

I knew Doug from my past trip to Kenya (he gave me some sound relationship advice with good ole John in 2007), so I e-mailed him promptly to see if I could tag along - this was an amazing opportunity to visit with my Kenyan family, see my students, my freshman roomie Virginia, and Doug and Moses! I was so excited when he said yes and invited me to stay with them in their hotels (got to room with Virginia again) on the nights that I was not staying with Mama Nasieku, Tyson and their three daughters (my Kenyan family). Their generosity blessed me all week long!

Little did I know that I was going to be so welcomed into this fellowship program -- so much so that they allowed me to lead a small group of students at Oloile for the program called Sex, God, and Me! It was wonderful, and just what the students need .

My small group with Form 1 (freshman) girls. The girl on the right who is not smiling (sigh) is my dear friend Mary's little sister! In '06, Mary went EVERYWHERE with me. Helped me at the clinic, went to school with me, etc. She was my Swahili teacher and closest friend. She is now a nurse in the Sudan so I missed her. I remember her little sister Anne would always be so shy and get tea for us and help around the house but I never knew her. Now she was in my small group! Kimana is a SMALL TOWN! It was great to be with Anne.

Needless to say, the trip was unbelievable and I felt blessed every single day from the moment I landed in Nairobi to the moment I departed. The first day I arrived, Moses picked me up from the Airport and we went to a restaurant to wait for the group to arrive for dinner - we had a couple beers and had some great conversations. It was refreshing to talk with Moses about the struggles of working in Africa. As an African man who understands the issues so well, but also has the perspective of a Westerner since he's lived in the US so long, he offered valuable insight. He challenged me in many different ways (another blog). Then the group came and we had a fun dinner - it was SO great catching up with Virginia. The whole trip was like a time warp. First part of time warp was rooming again with Virg - things just fall back into place when we're together and we just don't skip a beat, it was so fun to be around an old friend who knows me so well. Lots of laughter and reminiscing over fond memories.

The next day was the long drive to Kimana.. . Only it wasn't 6 hours it was only 3.5! Why? Because they paved the road all the way to Kimana from Nairobi so it wasn't a treacherous bumpy and DUSTY road for six hours straight!!! The drive was a blast and I could barely recognize Kimana when we arrived simply because of the road.

But I remembered this beautiful view of Mt. Kilimanjaro!

We went straight to Oloile - again, another time warp! I did not teach at this school but helped develop the idea for it and spent two weeks there in 2007. We got to go into each classroom to greet the students and it was filled with new students... same classroom, same subjects, same teachers... -- except for 2 of my students from Christ the King (school where I taught!) unfortunately (but fortunately for me) they stayed back a couple years, so it was so great to reminisce. Everything seemed the same, except they were so much bigger! It's amazing how fast everyone grew! My students and especially Nasieku, Siante, and Baby Rachel (Mama Nasieku/Tyson's daughters who I lived with).

The next two days were wonderful - Three young ladies and a woman named Meg from St. John the Divine led this abstinence/sex education course for the gals (there were two guys leading the boys group) from a Christian perspective - and it covered everything from rape, the difficulties of saying "no" to sex, STDs, and how to wait for a good man despite the odds faced in a town like Kimana. After the lectures, I would have a small group time with the Form 1 girls.

Perhaps the best part of the time was visiting and staying with my Kenyan family! Again, time warp! Mama Nasieku's sisters were just the same - except they had a few more babies than last time. The house was the same except for some different trinkets on the wall. The chickens were the same. The farm was the same except now they made a pond and are raising and selling Tilapia! Here are some photos:

This is my bedroom - where I slept for three months in 2006. Same as ever.

These are my Kenyan sisters who shared small quarters with me for three months! I cannot believe how much they have grown. Baby Rachel is in my arms - only she's about four years old now and is starting at pre-school! Not a baby anymore!!! The tall one is Nasieku (eldest) and the one on the right is Siante (meaning Grace is Maasai... not sure what Nasieku means). I'm standing in front of the house where I lived and also got to stay for a couple more nights this past week.

Myself with Mama Nasieku, Kenyan mom and BFF (right) and one of her sisters, Rahab (left).

My fourth goat slaughtering event. Always exciting and very celebratory. That's Tyson kneeling down on the right taking the skin off. That little 5 year old boy Moynget (sp?) is helping - holding the legs while they skin the goat or keeping the dogs away. Start them young in Kenya!

Yum. The completed goat roast. Kenyan BBQ!

Just a herd of giraffes on our drive back. Actually, there were over 30! It was unbelievable but my dinky camera could only capture a few of them. We off-roaded a bit to get out of the car and just gaze at such an enormous herd of giraffes just chilling!

On a sadder note, I had the pleasure but also experienced the difficulties of meeting a couple of my favorite students in town. When I was not working with the Fellowship group at Oloile I was either at the hotel or at Mama Nasieku's house, I only got to go into town once. I was able to see about three of my students at Oloile. Two of them were still in school and one of them - one of the brightest ones, named Washington (I still remember some of his witty compositions from my classes!) happened to come to school that day to get his papers to apply for university scholarship. yippee!

But, on Saturday, I went into town for Mama Nasieku's choir rehearsal and ran into one of my absolute favorite students named Esther. She was such a bright student and always accompanied me to after school tea and chapatti when I was teaching. I saw her in town - she came running out of a little run-down tea shop that her mother runs. After graduating Form 4 she had top marks but never had the encouragement of her family or even the school to seek out university scholarship, so she is trying to make her way working in the tea shop. Spending this much time in town lends to dangerous activities - if you understand me well.

Me and Esther in 2006 when I was a teacher at Christ the King

Then there's Muthoni. Another bright girl, always full of laughter and fun. Well, I couldn't see her b/c she was too ashamed to meet me. She got pregnant and is now raising her son. Moreover, she had the child with a "questionable" man in town who left her (obviously), and she is refusing to get tested for HIV/AIDS.

I heard lots of stories like this and all day Saturday it was like walking around with a huge lump of coal stuck in my throat. I couldn't believe it and I didn't know what to do. I was leaving on Sunday and discovered all these things on Saturday. I'm still wrestling with what could be done for these girls. Once they leave secondary school, the disposition of these young innocent girls completely changes and they are thrown out into the life of Kimana town with no support system. I'm at a loss, but thinking and praying. . . Will probably talk with Moses sometime soon about ideas.

However, a story of hope! One of my most worrisome students - a sassy young lady named Keziah. She approached me many times in 2006 about providing her with birth control pills. A difficult decision but in the end I made the choice not to provide her with these pills for a variety of reasons (sustainability of her taking the pills once I leave, HIV/AIDS, etc.). Instead I pushed and pushed and pushed abstinence and to be honest I didn't know if she would listen (and if she didn't listen, then demanding the man to use condoms). I was worried she would get pregnant and leave school but I could not give her these pills in good conscience. But, I found out when I went back to Kimana that she is currently enrolled in a Computer Technology College outside of Kimana and is pursuing studies! I was thrilled, and I'm motivated to pray even more for her success.

2006, one of the special tea times where I would take the girls and talk about "girl stuff" for hours. Left is Keziah, middle is my friend Mary, and right is Muthoni.

WOW! Long blog post. I can't even begin to capture the whirlwind of emotions that I experienced in just one week. This SUPER LONG BLOG POST is only beginning to help me process my time in Kenya from this past trip.

Because I lived in such immense cultural immersion, it's amazing how much more I feel that I was welcomed into the Kenyan culture. I never even met another non-Kenyan during my 2006 summer! But here in Rwanda, it's such a mish mosh of people, I've been grappling in different ways how to approach "development" or my "methods" (whatever that means) because it's such a strange juxtaposition of experiences - one day with rich Rwandans, another day with the poorest of the poor, another day hanging out with American friends. In Kimana, it was 100% Kenyan 100% of the time.

I'm afraid I'm out of blogging juice so I'm not going to appropriately conclude this blog with poignant words or meditations. Like all my blogs, excuse the massive brain dump with little thoughtful sifting!!!

Love,

Rachel

Good-Byes Already?

Pastor Deo, my stand-in Rwandan dad, just left today for a month-long training on restorative justice in Canada. Therefore, I had to say good-bye for him for good. I have no idea when I will next see him, it could be years. It's so odd to think about this. He's been such a massive part of my life over the past nine months and now it's just so simple to say good-bye.

Well, our office has been having fun preparing for the good-byes to say the least. Over the past two months, we've played a game called "Cacahuette (peanut in french)" which is the Rwandan version of Secret Santa, only you can do it whenever you want to. So we've been hiding things in people's desks, taping things on office doors, etc. the gifts I've given are hilarious 1) a bag of milk (THE BIGGEST HIT IN THE OFFICE milk is huge here and I had no idea it would be received so well) and 2) cell phone air time minutes (pay as you go) an some fruits. But then we had the BIG DAY!

All the staff went to Lake Muhazi, which is about an hour outside of Kigali and it was beautiful! We had a private little porch right on the water and ordered tons of brochette (beef kebabs), fish, and chips and sodas galore. Then we did the gift exchange which was lots of laughs and giggles. We would sing a song in Kinyarwanda and walk around the room, trying to trick people by making them think you were going to give them a gift but then you would surprise the actual person.

Well, I received a beautiful printed bag and bedroom slippers and a big bag of passion fruit! I bought my cacahuette a nice shirt.

Here is a photo of the staff enjoying one another (I think I've adopted the Rwandan way of not smiling in photos...):

Here is a photo me and Pastor Deo exchanging gifts. He was not my cacahuette but since he's leaving it was tradition to give each other gifts. I gave him a photo album with Rwanda pictures in it and he gave me this beautiful dress! I got a dress and promptly put it on over my clothes! See next photo.


Now don't take this picture the wrong way! Rwandans cut cakes together symbolizing sharing life together - in any context - family or friends - and Pastor Deo now considers me his daughter (he has five sons) so we got to cut this cake together that they made me spelled "Goodebye Rachel" which is how they say it (goodie bye), smiles, smiles, smiles.


Good bye Pastor Deo. I have never met a man who loved the people he served with such a genuine heart. He was an example of patience, unending love, and joy. Literally his only goal in every day is sharing love with people. I'll miss him!

Here is a silly portrait of me.... in my cool dress... Everyone was laughing at me, but hell, it is a great gift!

Rwanda's Greatest Joys

These kids give me a breath of fresh air on days where I'm feeling pooh-pooh. Thank God they come to hang out at the office, and thank God someone just gave a donation that allows them to eat three meals a week at our office instead of one! That means... MORE JOY FOR RACH (and more food for the kids - this is obviously the better outcome, but I'm still happy).


And here are the kids having fun with Jaqueline, the cook and women's counselor. You have NO idea how many takes of these photos I took with them. Non-stop giggle craziness.


They like it the best though when I actually let THEM use the cameras to take pictures of me. Oh boy... What was I thinking?! But - the squeals of joy post-picture taking was worth it. I'm still laughing.

It's Portrait time.... They organized a line for portrait-taking, like school photos.




SO AMAZING. I LOVE THESE CHILDREN!!!!!!! Thank you God for giving me automatic smiles every time I hear their little screams outside of my office windows.

Quick Hello

Hello Friends and Family,

A couple quick updates your way from my side of the Earth. Things have been in full swing and chaos lately, it's hard to believe it will be a month and a half before I come home.

1) A couple weeks ago, helped my co-workers complete (I didn't do a lot really just background support) an event called Walk to Remember (Mandy Moore was not included) on April 7, 2010, the 16th anniversary of the Rwandan Genocide. 10,000 people attended this event - walking from Parliamenet (where the President of Rwanda spoke) to the national stadium for candle lighting, name readings, singing, films, etc. It was powerful and moving... although I was running around the city in the minivan all day long managing the utter chaos that was ensuing from lack of planning. This also included me locking the keys in the damn minivan at a crucial part of the day where I needed to be driving. I googled "how to unlock a car with a bobby pin" but luckily our broken door was jammed and did not lock. Too bad I was bobby-pinning the minivan key lock for about 20 minutes before I figured it out.




2) Just organized a screening event for the ex-pat community at a really nice restaurant called Heaven. It is a beautiful restaurant and only about 130 people were there (but the restaurant was small so it was jam packed). We did not intend for it to be a fundraiser, just a connecting time to re-establish As We Forgive's credibility after a couple months of quietness due to funding constraints. However, we raised enough money by selling dvds (Suggested donation) to support one staff's salary for the month of may. We are really tight right now, so that was a big miracle!

3) Exhausted. Live with a bunch of AMAZING girls who are extremely social and like to stay up late at night. i do not. I'm tired. Am I already an old woman? Is this what happens to engaged/married people?

4) My wonderful friend Claire just graduated from University. She has come SO far. Her graduation was really emotional and everyone was crying. Her mother was murdered for testifying in a Gacaca court case against genocide perpetrators, and her father was abusive and she fled from him to live with her mom's relatives. her father was at her graduation which was difficult, but she handled it with such grace and love. Pastor Deo and his wife got special thanks from Claire. Pastor Deo found CLaire when she was jobless and desperate and he took her in to work at PFR so she could study and also support all of her siblings who are still in school. This is her at her graduation party. She had to sing and do Kinyarwanda dancing as a tradition. If my parents made me dance and sing at a personal graduation party I would probably faint out of embarrassment! But dang, this girl loved it!


5) Got to have a good skype call with fiance today - much needed. Time is going by so quickly!!! NOT. It's still creep-a-leepin', but it will come soon enough and June and July is going to be SO MUCH FUN!!!!!

6) Iceland volcano. wtf?! People in Rwanda are STRANDED b/c they can't fly into Europe! One of my roomies was supposed to leave this weekend but she's grounded for 2 more weeks. I'm nervous it's going to cause a serious backlog in flights back home! Also, what if it causes another volcano to erupt (I'm not just making this stuff up, scientists are legit worried about this too). OK people I'm not a typical worry-wort, but I am just antsy to make it home on time!!!



I love you friends and fam. My eyelids are heavy and it's shut-eye time.

Much Love to you all.

Love, Rach

Cry, the Beloved Country

I don’t know if I can add anything after this. This sums up a big ache in my heart as to how I want to live. But oh, I'm pretty far from it. Excerpt from “Cry, The Beloved Country” Alan Paton

“Therefore, I shall devote myself, my time, my energy, my talents, to the service of South Africa. I shall no longer ask myself if this or that is expedient, but only if it is right. I shall do this, not because I am noble or unselfish, but because life slips away, and because I need for the rest of my journey a star that will not play false to me, a compass that will not lie. I shall do this, not because I am a negrophile and a hater of my own, but because I cannot find it in me to do anything else. I am lost when I balance this against that, I am lost when I ask if this is safe, I am lost when I ask if men, Englishmen or Afrikaners, Gentiles or Jews, will approve. Therefore I shall try to do what is right, and to speak what is true.

I do this not because I am courageous and honest, but because it is the only way to end the conflict of my deepest soul. I do it because I am no longer able to aspire to the highest with one part of myself, and to deny it with another. I do not wish to live like that, I would rather die than live like that. I understand better those who have died for their convictions, and have not thought it was wonderful or brave or noble to die. They died rather than live, that was all.

Yet it would not be honest to pretend that it is solely an inverted selfishness that moves me. I am moved by something that is not my own, that moves me to do what is right, at whatever cost it may be. In this I am fortunate that I have married a wife who thinks as I do, who has tried to conquer her own fears and hates. Aspiration is thus made easy. My children are too young to understand. It would be grievous if they grew up to hate me or fear me, or to think of me as a betrayer of those things that I call our possessions. It would be a source of unending joy if they grew up to think as we do. But it cannot be bargained for. It must be given or withheld and whether the one or the other, it must not alter the course that is right"

Vanderbilt in Rwanda

What a great past couple of days!

Tuesday evening I had the pleasure of meeting Lindsay and Justin Miller, Nick Gordon and their parents in Rwanda for some delicious Italian dinner! After a Care for Aids trip, they made their way over to Rwanda to visit the gorillas... and I got to see them!

Wednesday I had the pleasure of spending the better part of the day hanging out with the Millers (SO odd but awesome to call them that now. I have to say it is tempting to still call my friend who was once Lindsay Johnson "Big Johnson" or "Big J," but no longer (she's tall, people).

Lindsay and Justin are the first married couple from Vanderbilt, so it was so fun to drill them with questions about the past eight months of their marriage (and drill them I did!). I just chilled with them in their hotel room pretty much all afternoon. College flashback, but it was just so great to lounge with them once again. It had been too long.

It was so fun to hear about the best part, the most surprising parts, the difficult parts, the funny parts, etc. The best part of all was just to hear about how the first eight months of their marriage exceeded their expectations. Needless to say, it was unbelievably encouraging for me to spend time with them and hear about their experience. With about two months left before I go home, I am in the HOME STRETCH before it's wedding time. But being with them made me giddy with excitement thinking about the journey that John and I are about to embark on together.

Two more months. I cannot believe it! Then I will be home and it will be another month before the wedding. Sheesh!

Lindsay asked me if me leaving Rwanda would be bittersweet. I responded, "no, I'm pretty pumped to go home" and we all laughed. I will never regret the decision to come to Rwanda. It has been such an unbelievable experience. I have learned so much about development, created precious and lifelong friendships, learned more about God and myself than I thought I would, and learned more about loving those around me -- the poor and the non-poor.

However, I'm just ready to marry John! Nothing against my time in Rwanda, but it's just time to be with him!

Two more months till I'm home. Chugga chugga chugga chugga choo choo! I can make it through.

Still growing, still changing, still learning. Still loving it. But will love being home too!
Love,

Rachel

Tired Morning

Greetings to all my loved ones back in my home country (well, you may be reading this from another country),

Today is a tired day. I'm trying to catch up on my gobs and gobs of e-mails that I have neglected for too many weeks (and am now neglecting my work, ahhh). I was just e-mailing a dear friend of mine from college that I've developed a love/hate relationship with my computer. Love because I love to stay updated with my friends, check out their life on facebook, e-mail them, and update my blog. Also, writing blogs and e-mails serves as a good reflector on my life... and, I love to hear about all my friends lives too! But, the glow of the computer screen for multiple hours in a day just can't be good for the soul mind and body. For real, it is a tangible barrier between myself and my friend sitting across from me at the table.

Today I am wondering if I will be as productive as I plan to be. Work ethic is an interesting thing that I've been thinking about lately. It is easy to allow myself to feel as though the entire world is crashing down around me when I have too much work to do, everything is going wrong (ahem, as in one person trying to do a team-effort kind of job), and I feel like nothing productive is happening. All of a sudden, life becomes about me. My work. My performance. My results. And here comes the "selfish demon" invading my brain, heart, and affecting my body (as in, my heartrate increases three times its normal amount). My silly insignificant self actually thinks that little old me has the power to save an entire organization on my own strength, without calling upon the promised strength of God, or without realizing that I'M ONLY 22 AND STILL HAVE A LOT TO LEARN!

So, I managed to achieve what I like to call "spiritual detachment." This is when I realize that everything on this earth is just like a passing wind and if I'm late on this e-mail or someone in my office makes a mistake, I can just say, "oh well, do better tomorrow" and still have a light heart. It's a great feeling. I can close my computer at 5 p.m. and say, "I'm going to read all night long and not stress about the work I have to do tomorrow, because tomorrow can wait."

But then a sneaky fault grew out of this "achievement." Laziness. What? How did this happen?! Me, lazy? YES. Me, lazy. Uh oh. Because I wasn't truly "uniting" my work with God, I was using it as an excuse to not stress myself out! (for those who know me, I'm an easily excitable person, and can get stressed at a moments notice). No work = no stress... Pretty easy solutation for me. "Thanks God." Uh oh. Not really.

Well, now I am realizing that my work is a spiritual duty in my life. So, I've gotta work hard. It's my current given duty. But, how in the world can I work hard and not be a stressed out maniac? Because stress is NOT a spiritual fruit, that is fo sho. How can I work hard during the day but close my computer at night and be at peace? You see, in America (or in NYC at least) I was taught that stress is the unwanted but unavoidable companion to hard work. To shed this mindset is difficult, very difficult indeed.

But, it's not about finding the "balance," which is the common recommendation from the world. This word is the famous word of everyone trying to find "inner peace" by including enough yoga classes in their lives, green tea drinks on a daily basis, and a proper work/play ratio. It's about walking with God. If I walk with God throughout the day, actually walking with Him - then it happens.... I work hard, I enjoy my work, I don't get all fussy when things go wrong, and then at night, I can close my computer with a sigh that I gave my all into my work (because it was HIM and not me at all!) and allowed it to belong to God.

I think this has happened once or twice in my entire life. BUT I know the experience well enough to know this is a true occurrence that is meant for me to experience, and it's enough that I'm going to pursue it every day.

All my Rwandan friends are pretty dang bold about confessing and expressing their faith. I hold back - not wanting to offend people or make them uncomfortable. No longer, my friends (well, I say this now...). I'm just gonna try to be me. And me is a child of God and everything good comes from Him. Well, that was a random interjection, but it passed through my brain, so I might as well write it here.

Again, no order to my blogging stream of consciousness style of writing. I really need to try to improve this. Whoopsies.

Lesson learned.... I can't let snafoos stress me out, because I will ALWAYS be working in suboptimal conditions (my co-worker told me that valuable piece of advice), and I will always be diverted from my intended task due to unexpected responsibilities... which means FLEXIBILITY and a LIGHT HEART are keys to job happiness. see below: NOT IN MY JOB DESCRIPTION but life is still pretty good: scroll...









Peace out friends. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's probably because I'm wiping some child's pee off of my leg.

Love,

Rachel

Week with Mama Rachel

I really don't like airports. For years I've had to deal with the unfortunate departures saying good-bye to John at airports for months and months. Good thing I have no more airport good-byes with John once I see him once and for all in June. But I had another sad airport good-bye, and this time it was with my dear Mom who came to visit me in Rwanda this past week. After a FULL week of tourism, cultural immersion, and lots of good restaurants, it was really hard to say good-bye to her at the airport. It was the last girls trip before I get married. To be honest, I'm not sure if my mom and I will ever have a full week just me and her ever again (although one day when babies come, I may "invite" her to come and live with me and teach me these things)! So it was an extremely special and memorable time that I will never forget.

My mom and I had a splendid first day. I took her to the Genocide Memorial Museum, which was sobering, but it's a good way to begin one's time in Rwanda to get a big picture on what the country has been through. Then we went and hung out at a hotel. Saturday was the Basketball Camp for Sport Kids, which was a blast to have my mom there to help! She took the tiniest little tots and taught them how to play catch, and they LOVED it, while I was relay racing with the older (out of the young crowd) ones.

Sunday, we got to go to my awesome, awesome, church and had lunch at my favorite restaurant, Heaven, and had delish french toast and other delights.

Then we went to Ruhengeri where we saw the splendid GORILLAS!

Oh YES. We survived. Although mother dearest was quite afraid. When we got to the meeting place before we split into our small adventure groups, my mother was asking as many people as possible if she should do the "short hike, medium hike, or long hike." Our guide joked with my mom and told her we were going to do a 6 hour hike each way and my mom looked positively ghostly at the prospect (she was also under the weather). Thankfully, our hike into the forest was short! We found the gorillas almost immediately.

The Big King Silverback when we first found him was not very visible. He was sort of hidden in the brush and chomping on his luncharoo. Our guides started speaking to him in the gorilla language (there are 16 sounds that gorillas make, all with distinct meanings) to greet the gorilla and say what's up. Then they started hacking all around his nest with machetes (yes, machetes) and shaking poles and making more aggressive noises to get him to move so we could find him in a more visible place. At first we were all like, um, what the crap, is this Silverback going to pounce us? But no, the big ole gorilla just said, sure, I'll give you guys a good view. He walked right on by us and settled into a big tree (well actually he made a nest pretty fast by just breaking like 10 trees all at once and sitting in the middle of their fallen branches) to continue his breakfast. Then a baby gorilla past us, trying to find his momma, and then the second head honcho gorilla of our family came and joined the big silverback! We were right in the middle of BOTH of these huge gorillas just checking them out and watching them munch away, and get up and stretch every once in a while. Magnificent.

It started raining and the leader of the family, Muhondo, stopped eating and made a noise to signal that the other gorillas should stop eating too. This is to allow the mother gorillas to cover their babies, since the mom's can't eat and cover the babies from the rain at the same time. The silverback remained perfectly still until the rain subsided, then he made the "ok, go ahead and eat noise" for the rest of the family to start to eat again, and they all started again!

It was a fascinating trip to say the least! Wow.

After the gorillas, we were able to do a slew of other things -- like visit the Anglican cathedral nearby, and also go to the tippy top of this beautiful mountain to see stunning 360 degree views. We also had dinner with Bishop John Rucyahana (the country's greatest reconciliation leader and huge development icon in Rwanda) and his wife. It was lovely. He said he'll give me marriage advice, yippee!

Then, we returned home, only to stop at the awesome tea plantation that my fellow church mate, Rohith from Sri Lanka manages. It was incredible to see how the tea is made from the tea fields all the way to the packages! A really unbelievable process.


Anyhoo, then we went on home to good old Kigali, and the next days were restful and fun. Craft shopping, good food, bringing Momma to Prison Fellowship and let her experience their EXUBERANT worhsip style (hour prayer meeting every day), heck yes. Then Mom gave me some professional advice and counsel.

And alas. Now, Mom is gone. And the work I neglected over the past week is slapping me in my tan face (my mom and I sunbathed today)... Oh well! Back to the grindstone.

Peace and Love people.

Surprises

Some things I never really would have expected happening to me in Rwanda

1. I never thought I would grow a passion for gardening and my weekly highlights include picking ripe tomatoes from my porch tomato plants (although I wonder how bored I would get of this practice were I to have a much larger garden that required MUCH more of my time down the road).



2. I never thought I would learn to speak Kinyarwanda pretty (relative) well (after being told by everyone who lived in Rwanda that the language is so stinkin' hard) but it's only because my PFR staff members never stop talking to me in Kinyarwanda that it was high time I started memorizing words and phrases.

3. I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD BE PLANNING A WEDDING FROM RWANDA! John, the little trickster, had me going that it would be a WHILE before we talked seriously about a wedding. Surprise!

4. That I would learn SO MUCH about myself. Two big things about myself: 1) I am a people pleaser in many ways.... erm... 2)But I still don't care what people think about me, largely (yippee) 3) How confusing is THAT? But both of them are true! Yeah, try to unpack that with me. Got a ways to go.

5. I never would think I'd be able to see the mountain gorillas, but sure enough my mom and I are going to see them on Monday!

6. I never thought that I'd be in charge of 35 4-6 year olds (with the help of one other person who speaks Kinyarwanda) for a BASKETBALL CAMP for street kids every Saturday. My friend/co-worker Kate started it (www.ubumwebasketballcamp.blogspot.com)


7. I never thought I would really really love little kids and have patience for them. I always thought I was a teenager-kind of gal who could knock around with ones closer to my age. Surprisingly, I can hang with the little ones and they don't make me pull my hair out like I thought I would (someone point me back to this blog years from now when I have little tots of my own)

8. I never thought I would eat so much RAMEN (John, don't cringe! It's a vice and I will BREAK it by the time we're married and we'll eat healthy, healthy foods and be that married couple that works out all the time together and eats spinach every day..... quote me on this in a few years! heh.).

9. I never thought I'd find my ideal church community here - St. Etienne Anglican Church, equipped with my first non-camp Bible study with church members. Love community!

10. I never thought I'd make such amazing and supportive non-Rwandan friends and be able to live with them and that we'd be supporting each other in constant prayer. (Well there is a Rwandan in this photo but I had a lot of previous assumptions that my friends would be ONLY Rwandans. I am blessed with MANY Rwandan friends here who feed my soul with their love and fun! But emphasis on the surprise with non-Rwandan friends) (Another note: the brunette gal is AUSTRALIAN! So I'll be hanging with her when I move to Oz).



11. I never thought I'd be able to get back on an intense exercise regime after being force-fed SO MANY POTATOES here in Rwanda that it was hard for me to move! Thank goodness Kate my roomie is a professional basketball player, so we are now work-out buddies. Getting in wedding shape. And honeymoon shape woohoo!

12. I never thought I'd crave an uber simple life. Never thought I'd be disenchanted with the world's view of "Success," but it's starting to happen, and I'm grateful.

13. I never thought I'd actually miss my fiance this much. As much as I know there is significant purpose for my time in Rwanda, I really, really can hardly wait to be married to John and start a new life with him.

14. I never thought SHEILA WEBER, MOMMA WEBS, would be coming to Rwanda (tonight!). Will let you all know how my attempts on getting her on a moto taxi will go.

15. I never thought I'd wrestle so much with thoughts on Christian living, poverty, and my personal mission as much as I'm dealing, but still living in surprising clarity.

16. Oh, yes. I never thought I'd be a DRIVING MACHINE here in Rwanda. For those who know me, you know I really have a distaste and lack of confidence in my driving skills. No longer! I cruise around Kigali, in our organization's minivan, with my hand perpetually blaring the horn telling people to WATCH OUT when I come whizzing down the unpaved streets. Oh yeah baby, watch out for me!

Well here are some disorganized reflections as I'm living my life in Rwanda. It's a strange life, it's definitely hard to relay to my peeps back in the States. A life where my social situation is constantly changing - from Rwandan hipster crowds, to the traditional Rwandese culture at the PFR office, to the hoighty toighty (is that how you spell it?) ex-pat crowd, to the super humble and awesome ex-pat crowd, to the poor street kids of Kigali, to the luxurious resort in lake town Gisenyi... My mind is constantly on over-load sifting through this crazy juxtaposition of experiences on a daily basis and how I should involve myself. But some clarity exists.

Keep up with me people! I love you all.

Rach

Just Hello

Hello,

It's been a while since I last posted. Nothing to profound to say here. Things are moving quite rapidly and I cannot believe that in four months time I'll be a married woman! Some highlight in regards to my personal life:

- Found an older woman who is in my church home group to mentor me, very excited! I love how she lives her life - she's pretty intense, but she lives out her faith radically, which I'm excited to learn about... She's not into being a Christian but having every whim of her comforts met.

- Had a difficult week with a potential funder for one of the orgs I work for. Lesson learned: do not DO things for the Rwandans you're working for... Work ALONG SIDE THEM. If they ask you to write an article, try to have someone sit down with you while you do it. If you write a proposal, make sure the employees have that thing memorized. It's easy to do thing for people here and mislabel it as "serving."It's about the teaching process.

- LOVING my housemates. Have not been exposed to a community like this in a really long time. The girls I'm surrounded by are extremely intentional with diving into each others hearts and spiritual lives. We walk by each other faithfully through everyone's struggles, and are committed to group prayer. We're all super different are aren't attached to the hip, our purpose with each other is merely to support and encourage each other... well we also have a lot of fun together as well! We are starting the Alpha Course tonight in our house, so I'm excited! It's a course that teaches the basic facts about Christianity. No muss, no fuss.

- Excited that my MOM will be in Rwanda in a few weeks! Going to be a pure blast, so fun to explore with her, will be sure to be a hilarious time.

- It's fun to hear about John's first few days in Australia. Haven't had a chance to speak with him too in depth since he is in the thick of trying to find housing and getting settled, but it's still great to know he's having this experience!

- Will be moving to Australia shortly. Any job recommendations? So far I have: Waitress, and a caretaker in an Assisted Living home (work in a home of an old person)...., and of course, I will volunteer for Prison Fellowship Australia.

- My Kinyarwanda is getting pretty darn good if I say so myself. But don't ask me to speak it when I'm in the States, it will be promptly out of my head.

- Leading the strategic planning train at PFR. Yikes! Not much experience in this area, and I'm sure to be learning a lot! Prayers requested for this venture.

Much love,

Rachel

Thank you HOD

My Vandy major is finally paying off. Something I am realizing about myself is that I'm task oriented. The past few days were a bit frustrating because I didn't have any tasks and I was unproductive... However, today I was given the task of helping our program manager at PFR create a strategic plan! Hooray! I actually like these kind of projects - and I get to do a much needed in-depth SWOT analysis and Business Plan (and budget, although I am not as keen to work on budgets) now.

So, HOD (Human and Organizational Development), I am thanking you right now! Four years at Vandy studying organizational theory with an international lense is already paying off.

Courage to Serve

Why does it take courage to serve? Ever since I have returned to Rwanda from the States, my mind has been crowded with too many thoughts on poverty, despair, excessive wealth, enjoying life, and generosity. I am having trouble wrapping my mind around what our world is facing and how us global citizens are called to respond. But I don’t have the courage to do what needs to be done. Perhaps I’ll take a few steps backwards to get to what must be done.

I am in Rwanda, “doing good works.” I come to the Prison Fellowship office every day and help PFR strategize to increase and improve their programming and their organizational capacity to serve more people. Yet when the women with HIV/AIDS come to our office to make crafts, I shy away from relationships with them. Not knowing Kinyarwanda, I can’t make it past greetings and general conversations about how everyone’s families are doing. When the Street Kids come, I play with the young ones, but back away from the older kids – the ones who struggle with drugs, sex abuse, and ones forced to step in as a mother at a young age due to ineffective parents to the young ones. Why do I back away and maintain my excuse that I am still serving sitting behind this desk writing proposals? Part of it is the ever-obvious awkward language barrier. But that can be overcome.

I think what I am coming to realize is that if I get really close to these folks, I will start to feel very, very uncomfortable. The more I become friends with the street kids, the more they notice things. Like my snazzy Klean Kanteen water bottle, or my fancy digital camera, my sunglasses, my in tact shoes…. Items that are just a natural part of me – these are items I take everywhere with me. But the kids can’t stop touching them and asking questions like how much it costs… And why does that question make me feel so uncomfortable? It is because when I tell them my water bottle costs $20 USD (10,000 rwandan francs) , I can see the math wheels in their head turning, as they realize that $20 USD could feed their families remarkably well for over a week, and even their neighbors, when they are forced to come to PFR to get their only full hot meal in a week.

Here is when I get loving and well-intentioned advice from my friends (and it is the same advice I give my friends too when they start to think like this): That it’s not good to think like that, because it will just drive me crazy and I simply can’t be walking around feeling guilty every time I see a poor person…. There are just too many of them…

But can’t I?

In the Bible, Jesus’ greatest commandment to us was this, “Love the Lord your God will all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:30-31

It’s funny how we can compartmentalize these commandments. I have found myself trying to heed this commandment as I walk down the street, having an internal struggle over why I haven’t been loving my parents properly, or how I ought to be treating my friends… all the while ignoring the person in the shivering cold outside of the subway station as I’m heading to a feast at an unbelievable restaurant with my friends.

“ I just have to simply love those around me!” I tell myself breathing a sigh of relief, trying to sort out my relationships – I’ve just gotta be nice to my friends and family and everything will fall into place. But I have created a force field around me… And those “Around me” become my friends and family and the population that I choose to serve.

Who is our neighbor?

Simply put … it’s everyone. And if we are supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves… Then let us consider the simple reversal image. Imagine you were in a position where everyone you loved abandoned you. You lost your job. No one wants to take you in. You’re hungry, cold, and in constant danger because you have to sleep on the street. You simply crave some love: Someone to take you in, give you a hot shower and a good meal, and help you get back on your feet. But everyone ignores you. You just want to be treated with some dignity by those who are able.

It is always astonishing to me the amount of people working for non-profit organizations in Rwanda and also in the States. We work tirelessly from 9 – 5 working against the plight of poverty. And then we go back to our houses with extra guest rooms and kick back and relax in front of the t.v.

What if every single person (this number is in the millions) working for a non-profit organization fighting poverty in some way or the other decided to fill their guest rooms with a person without a house? Just one extra person in every house? I think this would make a greater impact to eradicate poverty than all the millions of different non-profit organizations out there.

But of course. This takes a lot of courage. A lot of courage to sacrifice some comfort of coming home, turning on the t.v. and getting in our pajamas, to inviting a desperate stranger to come and be part of this family. And actually diving into the messy lives of these people.

For me, I am finally at a place where I actually want to share a lot of my things with those around me. But I’m afraid. I’m walking by tons of street kids at the grocery store near my house and I don’t give them food because I’m afraid I’ll be constantly swarmed every day by countless people, asking for things that I can’t give them. I’m actually afraid I’ll be judged by the Rwandans who just look at me as “that rich American…”

But guess what? I AM that rich American. And I can’t hold on to my wealth anymore. And who cares if I get swarmed every day? Do I actually think Jesus doesn’t care if I decide not to feed the hungry with my extra cash that I have?

But the thing is this. If we love God with all our heart and all our soul and with all our mind and strength… then we will understand His unfailing love for us. THEN we will start to stop putting up barriers between us and the poor and THEN we will actually love every poor person we see (and every rich person who needs it too) and our hearts will break for their desperation and we will have no other choice but to give them what we have.

But it takes courage. And I don’t have that yet!!! But I think it will get there soon enough.

“The bread which you do not use is the bread of the hungry;
the garment hanging in your wardrobe is the garment of him who is naked;
the shoes that you do not wear are the shoes of the one who is barefoot;
the money that you keep locked away is the money of the poor;
the acts of charity that you do not perform are so many injustices that you commit.”

St. Basil the Great

I think I am going to use this blog to hash out my completely confused thoughts on this matter… Bear with me!

P.S. Also encouraged that in July I will be marrying a man who has always encouraged me to think about what we need as opposed to what we want. I'm so blessed!